How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
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If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Flock of bats
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
🤣🤣
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.