Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
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Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless