Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
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People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York