don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Easy enough.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.