ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
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I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
No laws when master is gone
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I need this for my side hustle.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Autocorrect completely socks
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion