Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what