my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area