[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
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Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
So creative 😂
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said