[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Saturday
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Me trying to walk in a dream