Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
You Might Also Like
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.