Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.