The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
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[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
We’re all getting idioter.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I saw nothing
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’