every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
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I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
pictures of spider-man
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you