My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
buying dead houseplants to save time
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem