me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
You Might Also Like
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Same pineapple, same
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
how long have you had this for?
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.