If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
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All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Are you ok, human???
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember