🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
brian had himself a morning…
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.