INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
You Might Also Like
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*