Meanwhile in Portland…
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Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
pizza
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.