I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.