At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
You Might Also Like
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?