What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
You Might Also Like
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”