馃檮
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time machine? you mean a clock?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of J盲germeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 馃槒
– me flirting
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you鈥檇 go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you鈥檇 pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter鈥檚 greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Martha Stewart gives me the cr锚pes.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don鈥檛 hurt, this isn鈥檛 what I wanted
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it鈥檚 because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Doctor: It鈥檚 really not that bad. I鈥檒l get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
multitasking lunch
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 馃槫
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.