he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.