“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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The Struggle
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.