I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
This has made my week.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*