TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Sunday
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.