Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer