“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.