Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Lmfao
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I’m awake but I object,
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers