The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?