6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
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“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital