I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
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This is true.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham