Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.