*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
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Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”