If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
#parenting
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me