Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
How to wake up a Beagle
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
channeling her this year