me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.