normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
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Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Something Saturday.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.