It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
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Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
He just like my cat fr
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs