I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
this is uni
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.