[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You Might Also Like
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.