Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
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most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Just a reminder, folks:
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Catercrombie & Fish
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half