Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
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I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.