me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
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My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.