THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
scared to check what name she chose
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.