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how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.