I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.