I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
#SuperBowl
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration