[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
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I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.